by Julienne Smolinski
There’s nothing like a sexy summer romance. But getting down during the dog days comes with its own unique set of hazards: sun rash, dehydration, bees. The good news: There are plenty of ways to take advantage of the warm weather and perv out in seasonally specific settings.
All you need is a little foresight and a dash of preparation and you can have plenty of outdoor kicks while avoiding jail, injury, and hypervigilant amusement-park attendants. Follow these pointers and positions, and as your high school crush once wrote in your yearbook, have a great summer!
1. In Water
Water makes you buoyant! Take advantage! Try The Dirty Mermaid: Face your guy while he stands, wrap your arms and legs around him, and go to town while he holds your legs for support. Best attempted during adult swim. One caveat: Condoms and water don’t mix. One more caveat: Water washes away your natural lubrication, so extra (nonsoluble) lube might be necessary. Maybe try a little making out, Dirty Mermaid–style, and then head to dry land for the real action …
2. In The Woods
Having sex in the woods isn’t rocket science. Deer can do it, and they’re very stupid. Probably your biggest hazards here are hikers and park rangers, who love rules and getting people who are more fun than they are in trouble. Just keep on as much clothing as possible, so you can pretend you were “only dry humping” if caught (and also to avoid ticks). And watch out for poison ivy! As the saying goes: if you see leaves of three, don’t rub your genitals on me.
3. Up Against a Tree
What better way to commune with nature? Try The Lumberjack: Leaning against the tree and facing him, lift one leg and wrap it around his body while he holds on to the trunk for balance. Bonus: Your thighs will get as good a workout as if you’d actually finished that three-mile hike.
4. In a Tent
Since you probably spent two to six hours erecting your tent and making tent-erecting jokes, avoid any position that involves too much flailing. Otherwise, you will become tangled in the tent and it will collapse on you, and you will remember that camping is horrible and the best place to have summertime sex is in a cloud-soft, ice-cream-parlor-chilly hotel bed. Try the trusty, compact spoon position.
5. On a Sailboat
Set a course for orgasm! Board The Pleasure Craft: Have your first mate lie on his back, grab some rope, and tie his wrists to the life rail. Mutiny on the Bounty, baby — you’ve taken him prisoner at sea. Just remember, move with the motion of the boat to avoid seasickness and injury. (Also, maybe pop a Dramamine before going at it on deck.)
6. On a Motorboat
Jeez, is this safe? You probably shouldn’t have sex on a motorboat unless neither of you is driving it. However, if you’re having sex on a motorboat and somebody else is driving, then you should probably get some help, because you are addicted to cocaine.
7. In a Canoe or Kayak
You know what? Cut your losses and don’t have sex in a canoe or kayak.
8. At a Music Festival
You should really be more concerned about who you’re having sex with at a music festival. You don’t want to end up on some stranger’s Instagram with the caption “Gross hippie couple going at it.” If you must, try to incorporate one of the musicians, so you can at least do it in a climate-controlled tour bus like a human being.
9. At a Crowded Summer Share
It may take some ingenuity, but do find a room that does not have other people in it. This may mean a pantry, mop closet, or half-bath, which can limit your position options. The Stop and Frisk (you’re bent over; he’s behind you) is good for confined spaces. If you’d rather just put a sheet over your heads and pretend that your friends can’t see and hear you, congratulations on being terrible — you don’t deserve fun things like vacations and cupboard sex.
10. On a Swing
Sneaking into a playground at night is fun and sexy, until you remember, “Hey, this swing set is for children. I’m a disgusting creep. I should examine my life choices.” That said, soaring through the air mid-coitus does sound pretty magical. See if you can’t compromise by finding a porch swing that is securely affixed to a remote, sturdy farmhouse. Then, bone on it.
11. On The Roof
This is a great idea if you live in a high-rise or anywhere with a flat, level top. It’s not so great if you have Spanish tile or live in a Swiss ski chalet. Roof sex may require a little advance reconnaissance, because you’ll need to make sure you’re not in a busy helicopter flight path or near a belching heat vent. Just bring up that yoga mat you never use (roof gravel = not sexy), and give those pigeons/neighbors with binoculars a show they won’t forget.
12. On a Trampoline
It’s just like a bed, except with higher bounce factor/risk of serious injury! Try The Circus Freak: With your guy seated with his legs crossed, hop onto his lap so you’re straddling him in a kneeling position, and hold on to his shoulders. Keep your bodies close and bounce gently into each other like a pair of randy acrobats.
13. When Your AC Is Broken
If there’s no AC, then the important thing is to figure out how to have sex without raising your body temperature. (It’s the opposite of winter sex, where the goal is to use friction from your bodies as an additional heat source.) Grab an ice cube and use it to draw a path down your body to show him where you want him to put his mouth. Also a handy way to get rid of the ice-pop flavor that you like least (we’re looking at you, grape).
14. In The Car
If you’ve seen literally any horror movie and “parking” somewhere remote still appeals to you, well congratulations on your nerves of steel. Just make sure to lay down something on the seat, because there’s nothing worse than peeling your sweaty nude buttocks off oven-hot upholstery. Don’t even think of running the AC, because your car battery will die and then the Zodiac killer will murder you.
15. On a Picnic Table
First, be sure to check for rusty hardware, ants, and dry rot. All clear? Sit on the edge of the table with your legs on the bench, and have your guy sit on the bench between them, facing you, his head level with your thighs. Get it? It’s a picnic! And you’re so much better than PB&J.
16. After Day-Drinking
Summer means cookouts, and cookouts mean being uncomfortably full and sloshing with beer by 4 p.m. Is there anything better? Yes: buzzed, slightly barbecue-flavored sex. Try any position that’s recommended for women in their third trimester of pregnancy, like The Scissors: Lie down in between his legs with your top leg over his hip, or lie on the front edge of the bed while he stands in front of you. Then? Look forward to a long, erotic, open-mouthed nap.
17. At An Amusement Park Or On a Roller Coaster
I know, I know. We’ve all seen Fear. But it’s probably not a great idea to do anything raunchy on a ride that involves speed or unpredictable motion, because people are going to lose actual teeth. The ideal place to get discreetly happy is probably more like a Pirates of the Caribbean ride, because it would be really awesome to be banned from Disneyland forever.
18. While Sunburnt
Sure, aloe is a pretty decent natural lube, but you’ll want to avoid any and all friction when your skin is on fire. Try that low-impact version of 69 where you’re both on your sides, or just ask your partner to give you oral while you lie back and enjoy a refreshing ice pop. You’re injured, after all.
19. On The Beach
People kvetch about sand a lot, but if you have a towel or a blanket, it’s just like doing it on nature’s beanbag chair. The tough part here is picking the right spot: You want to secure a dry, private area away from people, surf, and protected sea-turtle-nesting areas. Seriously, if you killed a sea turtle by having sex on it, you would never forgive yourself. (And if you fall victim to the old sand-in-the-cracks predicament, a warm bath should do the trick.)
20. At a Stadium
This is probably not a place for full-on lovemaking, because there are children everywhere and the bathrooms are dystopian hellscapes. You should only ever attempt this during a lengthy rain delay, because that’s when all the lame people leave. Head for the nosebleeds, and do some crazy under-the-ponchos stuff. Just don’t end up on the Jumbotron, immortalized as the gyrating-poncho blob.
Read more in Cosmopolitan
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.
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