by Anna Breslaw
Instagram-stalking your ex. Uhh, great way to fall for the perfectly curated and significantly more awesome fake life everyone has on Instagram.
1. Quoting yourself on your BBM profile. ”Bitches ain’t sh_t!” –Me. (No.)
2. Having dumb lyrics on your BBM profile. A girl in my high school had the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s “Miss Independent.” She was married with a kid before she was 25.
3. Having your and your boyfriend’s names written on your BBM profile ~*~*~*LiKe tHiS~*~*~. ~**~*~i hAvE a cOdEpEnDeNt aTtAchMenT tO bRiAn dAnIeLs~*~*~*
4. ~*~**~~*tHiS~*~*~*~ in general. ~*~*~*sEnIoRs~*~*!!!
5. Any photos with early-era Photo Booth filters (Warhol, sepia, etc.). Sure, it was fun at the time, but that lame album from 2007 that you still have on Facebook is overkill.
6. Embarrassing drunken Facebook photos. That photo of you doing body shots off your friend on Spraaaang Break is not going to look great to future employers.
7. Facebook photos in which you are blatantly smoking weed or carrying it on your person. Because pretending to make a stuffed Elmo smoke a joint was a moment that needed to be captured and shared with everyone. Including your mom, your 14-year-old cousin, and possibly your religious leaders.
8. Status updates that are vague, emo references to a breakup or some other difficult experience you just had.“Someday it’ll get better…” “Feeling very alone…” Ugh, stop fishing for concern. Also, you are now 28, why are you still doing this.
9. Cringeworthy humblebrags. When did you ever think it was OK to write “I just got checked out by Colin Farrell and I TOTALLYhad mustard on my face?”
10. The Purity Test. While this is not an effective purity test, it is an excellent test of who is a big fat liar. (Everyone.)
11. That moment where you don’t realize that said “like” of embarrassing companies would automatically post to your Facebook and show people what a weird Internet-dwelling gremlin you are. ”Anna Breslaw likes Preparation-H.”
12. Tweeting at companies when you are pissed. @GiltGroupe I ordered my $250 blouse made of unicorn hair three days ago and it’s not HERE YET. THIS IS A TRAVESTY. I’M SO MAD THAT MY EYES ARE BLEEDING.” At the time? Crisis. Now? You sound like a spoiled first-world brat.
13. Instagram-stalking your ex. Uhh, great way to fall for the perfectly curated and significantly more awesome fake life everyone has on Instagram. Who’s that supermodel he’s with? Why is he holding a baby? Is that their Golden Lab? I’m going to throw up.
14. Facebook-stalking your new boyfriend. You’re just asking for trouble.
15. Facebook-stalking your new boyfriend’s ex. You’re just asking for trouble, and also, creepy.
16. Pulling a Martha Stewart and Instagramming an intensely unphotogenic meal. Grosssss.
17. Making a relationship Facebook official too soon. Then having to switch it back to single and have everyone and their mom comment “:-(“. It’s fine, it was mutual, we’re staying friends, forever alone, etc.
18. Changing your Facebook status to “in a relationship” with your best friend (who has a boyfriend) on Valentine’s Day, and then realizing that this actually makes you look like you’re more depressed. I DON’T CARE ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY, AHAHAHAHA!
19. Paying respect to a celebrity death hoax, whoopsie! Urkel is alive and well. Glory be.
20. Tweeting what you think is the latest Internet gold and then realizing the article is from 2008. Riiiight on the pulse. Of six years ago.
21. God-awful first screen names. ChillinGirl873. EminemFan4Life.
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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.
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