by Demola Rewaju
How dare your spouse suggest you are wrong? You are always right my dear, especially if you like fighting. Your opinion is the superiorly correct one and you cannot be wrong. So insist that you are right and they are wrong even when the facts seem to be contrary.
1. Come Into The Marriage With Some Stinking Thinking – Before getting married, do not purify yourself of thought patterns of betrayal, wrongdoing on the part of ex-lovers, mistakes and a victim mentality. Examples of these include ‘men are wicked’, ‘Women must be kept in their place’, ‘quarrels make a relationship interesting and lively’. ‘angry sex is only as intense as the fight is nasty’ etc. With these, you’re perfectly prepared to have a failed marriage. Furthermore, let your stinking thinking be projected onto your spouse. See them in the light of your past lovers who mistreated you.
2. Always Say Your Negative Mind – When you think a positive thought about your spouse such as when you feel appreciative of a kind gesture on their part or a show of love, keep quiet about it but whenever you think a negative thought, do no fail to tell them. Sooner than later, your spouse will believe that you only see the worst in them and constant fighting will be the case.
3. Refuse To Be The Peacemaker – Since you like fighting so much, never be the spouse who tries to settle issues by giving in or giving up in a fight. Do not be the one to apologise or say a kind word – those are for those who don’t like fighting. When a fight occurs, no words must be spoken to your spouse until another fight breaks out. Keep malice and make no attempt to let them get away with fighting you in the first place. Wait for the other partner to make the move towards settling a quarrel and even when they do, refuse to be appeased until you can clearly see that they’re truly sorry and this must only be after you’ve satisfactorily punished them.
4. Don’t Let Them Have The Last Word – Keep arguing your position and never give in to any argument position even when it is superior to your opinion. Why let them win by getting in the last word? If they’re still talking, the fight isn’t over so don’t stop talking. Talk and talk, until they shut up.
5. Insist On Your Godlike Sense Of Rightness – How dare your spouse suggest you are wrong? You are always right my dear, especially if you like fighting. Your opinion is the superiorly correct one and you cannot be wrong. So insist that you are right and they are wrong even when the facts seem to be contrary.
6. Believe Strongly That Criticism Works – For you, criticism is the best way to make someone do better, it is only a form of motivation. Criticise your spouse even when they give you a gift – say stuff like ‘don’t you know this is not my favourite colour?’ or ‘How much did you buy it?’ and no matter their response, follow it up with ‘that’s too expensive – they’ve swindled you again’. Keep criticising, your spouse will surely keep fighting with you.
7. Shout. – Why whisper or talk gently even in the middle of the night? The best way to show your anger is to shout your thought. If you don’t shout, their voice may overpower your own. The neighbours might even be listening so let them hear the worst about your husband and know that you are not the one at fault. If your spouse asks why you are shouting, say it’s because he or she never listens.
8. Use Extreme Language and Foul Words – There is such a thing as ‘The Language of Violence’ and you must deploy it everytime you fight. Let your spouse know that you will not back down and that can only be done by threats and that sort of language. Let your spouse know you are not afraid of a divorce, tell them that a single life is better than being married to them and you are always ready to walk away or better still, they should walk away. Also use foul words: call them Idiot, Foolish, Stupid, Animal and the foulest words of abuse the English language has. You can even borrow some from your local dialect. Never mind that whatever you call your spouse is similar to what you are: if she’s an animal then you are Mr. Animal but that doesn’t matter – just keep fighting.
9. Reinterpret Their Words In The Worst Possible Way You Can – No matter what your spouse says, always reinterpret it and give it a negative meaning. If she says ‘I love you’, interpret it to mean she wants something from you. If he asks ‘did the drycleaner bring my shirts?’ ask him ‘Am I your maid to be waiting at home for shirt collection?’ Then if he also likes to fight he might reply ‘if you were a maid at least you will know how to keep this house clean’ and you’ll both go on and on until a fight ensues.
10. Launch a Global Attack – Don’t focus on the problem, use it to fight the person who created the problem. If the problem is that he came late to pick you at work, insist that he is a serial latecomer. It helps if you have evidence of his serial lateness. Preface your sentences with ‘you always…’ or ‘you never…’ and let the adjoining part be something negative. Character assassination is a legitimate weapon of war. Doing this makes them the subject of constant condemnation and they’ll always fight you.
11. Remove Dangerous Objects From Around – This one is important if nobody must get hurt. Stuff like bottles, hot iron, glass cups etc should be removed from view or you might be tempted to use them. They also might be unable to resist the temptation of shutting you up with something deadly. I don’t want to be accused of encouraging violence is why I put this last rule so if you don’t mind some violence, ignore this rule and even be the first to break a bottle or slap your partner.
Have a splendid weekend.
Demola Rewaju blogs at www.demolarewajudaily.com
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.
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