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Weed: Best funny weed jokes you will ever come across

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Two stoners come to a new dealer they do not know and one of them asks for 5 grams of Maroc hash. The dealer cuts a piece off, slips it into a small bag and then puts it between his lips – he slowly swings his head and then passes the bag to the stoner. “Here you are, 5 grams.” The stoner frowns and says “Dude, you gotta be kidding me, right? You weigh the dope with your lips?!” “Sure man, don’t trust me?” “Well, not really,” the stoner replies “How can you prove it is 5 grams?” The dealer turns to the other stoner and says “Dude, go get my spouse, she is in the kitchen – she has this special ability as well.” The stoner walks out of the room and returns after a short period of time – with a crimson head. The dealer looks up and asks “Where is my spouse?” “Well, she weighs the postman!”

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In the middle of the night two just turned legal potheads have the not so brilliant idea to go on a joy ride. When they come to a rotary traffic they take some turns and enjoy the lack of traffic. Then they want to increase the fun and decide to try it in reverse. But as soon as they back off a car slams into their trunk! The young potheads start to panic and cry, making their eyes even more red than the pot already did. When the police arrives both are in a state of total despair, but then one of the officers comes over to them and calms them down. “Dudes, stop crying, that guy is drunk beyond belief and claims you have been driving in reverse!” Phew …

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A stoner and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the stoner, “Didn’t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of your car?” The stoner replied, “No, I didn’t know that.” The cop ask the stoner where he was going and he said, “To Memphis”. The cop said, “I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.” So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the stoner with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said “I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis”. And to this the stoner replied “I did and we had so much fun, now I’m taking him to the circus.”

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Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper. After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results. The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper. “How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoking pot?” the judge asks. “Well, I told them the big circle is the size of their brain without drugs and the small one the size of the brain when they get high.” “OK,” the judge replies, “penalty remitted.” He turns to the second and asks him for his outcome. “Well, I did pretty much the same, but I have made 200 people quit drugs by drawing a small circle first and then a big circle.” “And how come that saved more people from their habit?” “Err, I told them the small circle is their asshole BEFORE they are send to a detention facility!”

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Three guys are send to hell for their addictive habits. One is an alcoholic, one is a sex-addict and the third a pothead. The devil offers them a deal – if they repent and renounce from their addiction, they will be send back to earth. All three agree and so the devil locks them up with their addictive substances for 1000 years. The alcoholic with a never-ending supply of vodka, the sex-addict with hundreds of sex-starving models and the pothead with a giant joint that just won’t quit. After 1000 years he opens the door to the room with the alcoholic and hears him whimper “Oh my, vodka does not quench thirst in any way! I swear I will only drink water from now on!” *Poof* – the devil sends him back to earth. Next he opens the door to the room with the sex-addict and hears him say “Holy smoke! My dick is so sore and hurting, I am done with sex for life!” *Poof* – the devil sends him back to earth as well. Then he opens the stoner’s door and immediately receives a head-turning slap on the face “You forgot to give me a lighter, douchebag!”

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A pothead finds a strangely looking old oil lamp in the trash and rubs it to clean it up a bit when suddenly a genie comes out of it. “Congratulations, you freed me from my captivity! I grant you three wishes for releasing me!” The pothead does not think twice and says “OK, for my first wish – I want a never ending blunt made from the finest Acapulco Gold!” And *poof* he has a fat 6 inch blunt in his hand. He takes a few tokes and is delighted by the extremely nice flavor and high, sits back and relaxes. The genie reminds him “Hey, you have two more wishes, remember?” “Oh, yeah … lemme see … I’ll have two more of these!”

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A tourist comes into a small Mexican village during siesta time and asks a pot-smoking guy sitting next to his donkey “Hola compañero, can you tell me what time it is?” “Sure,” the guy replies, grabs his donkey’s balls and says “It is 4:20.” The tourist is baffled and inquires “Err, are you really sure?” The Mexican lifts the donkey’s balls again and replies “Si amigo, 4:20 – without a doubt.” The tourist gets the feeling he is being fooled by the Mexican guy and gets surly “How the hell could you probably say what time it is by lifting your donkey’s balls?!” The Mexican lifts the donkey’s balls again and calmly replies “Mamerto, can’t you see the church tower clock over there?”

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So the phone rings at the DEA office. “Hi, I would like to say that I suspect my neighbor to hide his marijuana inside his firewood.” After some more questions the DEA rushes to the house of the suspect. They search the whole area and find the firewood in the back of the garden. With the help of some axes they bust all pieces of wood, but don’t find anything. With disappointment on their faces they give up and go back to the office. Meanwhile, the phone rings at the neighbor’s house. “And? Did the DEA show up?” All pieces of firewood chopped?” “Yes”, says the neighbor. “Fantastic. Do you need your garden plowed too? I can make a call again if you like…”

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Jesus looks down to earth and sees it’s going totally wrong. Especially that nasty drug problem where all those politicians are talking about all the time makes him worrying a lot. Since he doesn’t know a lot about the subject, he sends all his apostles down to earth to check it out for themselves and report to him. So all apostles go to different places and after a while they’re all back in heaven. Thaddeus brought some LSD with him, Bartholomew scored some coke, Simon the Zealot had been able to smuggle a fantastic piece of Afghan Hash up to heaven. Jesus tries it all and is totally tripping balls. Jesus: “Hey Judas, what did you bring?” Judas: Uhhm… the cops.”

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This stoner walks into the super market. He goes up to the man behind the counter and says “Do you have any weed?” He says “no!” So the stoner leaves. After ten minutes the stoner comes back and asks the guy behind the counter “Do you have any weed?” The man says “No I told you already, we don’t sell weed here.” So the Stoner leaves again. The stoner walks in again ten minutes later and says “Do you have any weed?” The clerk behind the counter says, “Look you asshole, we don’t sell weed here, if you come in here again, I’m goin to nail your fuckin teeth to the floor!!!” So the stoner leaves. And again, after ten minutes he comes in again. “Do you have any nails?” “No”, the clerk replies. The stoner looks at him in the eyes and says, “Do you have any weed?”

 

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